Support for Loved Ones
We realize how difficult it can be to know how to best support your loved ones in times of loss. Experiencing the loss of a baby is unlike any other. We hope to provide you with some helpful suggestions below on how to best support your loved ones during this uniquely challenging time.
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Ways to offer emotional support
E D U C A T E
Educate yourself on the loss your loved one has experienced. Infant loss due to miscarriage, preterm birth, stillbirth, termination for medical reasons (TMFR), or medical complications all carry their unique circumstances. Learning basic facts regarding these topics helps you to be a more sensitive and in tune support system to your loved one.
B E P R E S E N T
Understanding your role in your loved one’s grief is essential. When you position yourself in the role of needing to give advice, opinions, or “fix” the pain - this makes the person grieving feel as if they should be grieving differently or as if their emotions are too big a burden. The grief your loved one is experiencing is not your responsibility to solve. You do not have all the answers. And it is worse to pretend that you do. The most powerful thing we can do is to sit in the uncomfortableness of grief with our loved ones, without trying to fix or change it. It may be tempting to try to escape the present moment (which is the source of so much pain) by encouraging your friend to focus on the future, but it is important that we welcome and honor all the emotions the present may bring.
SPEAK THEIR NAME
Ask about their baby and continue to ask about their baby in the coming weeks, months, and years. Ask them questions, talk about them. Ask to see their photo. The biggest misconception is that people believe they are shielding their loved one from the pain of the loss by not bringing it up. We are painfully aware of our loss every single day of our lives.
M E A L S
Grief is all consuming. Not having to worry about your next meal is extremely helpful, especially in those early weeks. Arrange to deliver a meal (or provide meal gift cards) or facilitate a meal train with other family and friends. Keep in mind, those grieving may wish to have their privacy and not feel up to socializing, so be conscientious of this and make arrangements to leave on the doorstep, with a close family member, etc.
A N T I C I P A T E
When we make comments such as “reach out if you need anything” or “let me know what you need,” we often never hear from them. This then makes us assume the person grieving must not need anything, which is so far from the truth. What we are failing to recognize is that it takes great amounts of energy to identify a need, organize who could fulfill that need/when, and then execute communication to make this happen. Grief is physically and mentally exhausting and we cannot expect those in the depths of their grief to facilitate how others can help. Instead, take initiative and anticipate their needs and give concrete offers - such as “I am going to the grocery store Monday morning, please send me your list” or “I will come by this evening after work to take your dog on a walk.” If your loved one has other living children, think about ways you could help lessen the load of those responsibilities by taking the children out for an activity or helping with pick ups/drop offs. We often forget how necessary it is for the parents to have a moment alone to grieve together.
